Theodora's Journey

Jan. 16, 2007--Hello again?

2007-01-16T14:41:00.000-07:00

I see that all but my last post is now hidden....i.e. already transferred to Blogger Beta. When I can figure out what to do with all the legal jargon, I guess I'll be switching/updating.

At the moment, I'm not up to working through all of that.

Hope you're all doing well. Hard to know whether anybody will find me now, if I DON'T switch--or how long this program will be available, so I'll try to do what I need to do "soon."

Happy New Year!

Theodora

Sat. Dec. 16, 2006 -- The day before "Gaudate" Sunday...

2006-12-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

...and, FWIW, you can again visit NACR if you're so inclined to see my thoughts on this, as well as a brief meditation from a church site about the meaning of the day. (This is at
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=6020 )

Other than that, I continue to be frustrated by not being able to respond on Blogger Beta...Gary and Lily (among others!) have a good conversation going, but I'm limited to just reading it for now, I guess.

And...sorry Jordie...but when I used the URL you gave me for your blog, the search came up empty!!! CURIOUS! I WAS at least able to read your blog before!

--

So.....mini-news from the "home front"--I got out to do a little Christmas shopping yesterday (mainly some "stocking stuffer" items) -- one store and that was QUITE enough "fun" for me! However, I'm about to go shop Hobby Lobby to get some yarn to finish an afghan for my mother-in-law....and least I HOPE I can finish this by Christmas, since that is her main gift from us! Had had a good start on it and ran short of the yarn for the border which they didn't then have in stock so......well.....once again "the best laid plans of mice and men (or even well-intentioned women!) oft 'gang a'gley'," don't they? I THOUGHT I had started this in good time, but then "things" have intervened and we're down-to-the-wire again.

My husband and I had a good laugh over a recent comic strip wherein the husband of the little drama is shopping for a bicycle on-line. He asks his wife about it, who advises him to shop some more. When he then notes that it comes ASSEMBLED, her response is to "BUY IT!!!"

Well....not too much seems to "come assembled" these days, but I did also have a little "first" in my life yesterday when I shopped on-line in a gift catalog and made some purchases. (Now to see whether they actually arrive in time!) I know, I know...I've no doubt all the REST of you savvy folk have long since done this, but...well, "better late than never?" My Marine son, whose expertise is in computers and all things "technical" really shakes his head at his old-fashioned parents whom he accuses of coming "kicking and screaming" into the modern age. AND, so it may be.

YET...here I am continuing to "blog," thanks to the start that Gary gave me last summer (and for which I am grateful) AND...oh gasp, oh wonder....I actually figured out how to use the scanner and to attach what I scanned to an e-mail for the family. "Small steps"---and, apparently I didn't use the right format---but, still, it got done and transmitted the information.

So...."moving on" as best I can. Christmas "plans" seem to be firming up and I THINK I can begin to see how we can all "live with it." Will spare you my not-too-hidden disappointment over all that we need to change for this year! Working HARD to stay focused on what's important....as in actually having FAMILY in town this holiday. Not everyone is as fortunate, I know, and I continue to think about all those who have lost loved ones this year. WHAT a year it has been for so many people, right? Right!

"O come, o come Emmanuel.....!"

Grace and peace to you all this day.

Theodora

Fri. Dec. 15, 2006 -- Not much time to post....

2006-12-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

...and what ELSE is new???

David, Bruce and Jordie---thanks again for your responses to previous posts. I'm not sure how this works, but do note that I've left you some messages in those threads.

Curious thing re "logging in" and not being recognized on Gary's blog....

This a.m. I logged in....or tried to...."over there" and was not accepted. HOWEVER, when I came to my blog, I found that I was already signed in and didn't need to post my name and password in order to pull up this new screen. ("Curious and curiouser," said Alice, as she fell down the rabbit hole!)

ALSO...I WAS able to post a response to Gary last week, so this is really odd.

WELL....no time/energy etc. to do more with this right now, though, as always, Gary's (and David's etc.) "meaty" posts make me want to be able to offer something more "in dialogue."

When/as I have the time...("Joke, son....!" she explained! ;-) ) I'm tempted to "lift" some quotes from your blogs so that I can work with them here....if "push comes to shove" and I can't figure out what's going on. (And yes, Bruce, I will see what's possible with your blog. Thanks for the offer.)

If interested in something of my "life and times," I invite you to visit the NACR site.

FWIW....a meditation/poem in response to seeing a former "co-worker" at a recent concert:

Wed. Dec. 13, 2006 "Class distinction"
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?p=43858#post43858

and

Thurs. Dec. 14, 2006 -- "This is the day which the Lord has made..."
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?p=43879#post43879

(a meditation beginning with one of my Grandmother's favorite Bible verses...and musing on how that had "backfired" with me....moving into my acknowledgement of yesterday's having been the anniversary of my nephew's being killed in a car accident in 1997.)

Grace and peace to you all this day. As always, "more as able!"

Theodora

Thurs. Dec. 14, 2006 Hello Gary,David and Jordie???

2006-12-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to log on to your blogs the last couple of days and find that my password is not identified. However, it was sufficient to get me into my blog. ??? I'm wondering whether it's a problem of the newer Beta---which I think you're both using---and this older format not recognizing each other somehow. ??? You guys are the technical wizards, I'm just guessing.

In any case, know that I HAVE visited you both of late and that I do appreciate the work that you're doing.

Thanks for checking in as well, Jordie! Will see whether I can access your blog later today if I can.

Grace and peace to you and all here this day--

Theodora

Tues. Dec. 12, 2006 -- Something about this past weekend...

2006-12-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

Hello all--

Some of you "know" me from the NACR forum, where I posted the following yesterday. (See below.) However, for those who don't, I thought I'd offer this here as well and to ask for your prayers for all as well. I was REALLY tired yesterday, so, after taking care of some "stuff" for my husband, I took it easy and got to bed early. Today--especially after having had another acupuncture treatment this a.m. AND having had a relatively good amount of sleep, I find that my relative "equilibrium" is back....the catch being how VERY "relative" a thing this seems to be! I love the recent quote posted on the "No Crosstalk" forum recently: "Sometimes the most spiritual thing we can do is to take a nap!" (Good food for thought there too, but OH! HOW very true that does seem to be for me at the moment!)

Well.....This a.m. I wrote up a revised version of our annual Christmas letter and my husband got it copied while I was having my acupuncture treatment. SO now....we're "moving along" toward The Day, even if not as "efficiently" as we might like. That being the case, if I again fall relatively silent, you can imagine me muddling around TRYING to do what is necessary for a family holiday.

If you've got the time, I'd be interested in how you're spending your Christmas. What traditions do you have? What traditions have had to be changed over time? How did you deal with that? (We're needing to be REALLY flexible this year, and I find that I DO vary in my ability to handle this "well!")

More as able! I really do need to get off-line and into the "real world!"

Love and prayers....and, if I don't have a chance to do this before Christmas day, do know that I'll be thinking of you too, and that I do send you all my very best wishes for a truly wonderful, blessed Christmas.

Theodora

--

Here's my post from yesterday:

Subject: Mon. Dec. 11, 2006 "People will do stuff..."

http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=5960
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

....was the unexpected reaction/NON-reaction by the acting rector to the destruction of c. 1/4 of one of "our" church's stained glass windows this week. I can't begin to tell you of the shock it was to arrive in church, prepared to take my seat at what has become my "usual" place by this window, only to find it broken out at the bottom and "pieced" on the other side with plain glass. In talking to various people, including one of the deacons, I found out that the church had been victimized by another break-in (they had had someone break-in last spring, I think)...This happened on Thursday night and the deacon said that the perpetrator did get some money as well....but.... Talk about NOT talking about the "elephant in the living room!" There was NO announcement made as to what had happened, nor the reassurance given that the windows were insured and that the church is still in contact with the original artists, so hopefully the window can be restored. It was only AFTER the service, as I saw the rector in passing and made some comment to the effect, pointing to the window...."as if life weren't complicated enough..." that I got even that much response about of him. ???

I'm reminded a bit of the modeling of the Quaker community of Forgiveness in the face of the horrible murders of their children this fall. I can "admire" what seems to be "acceptance" of life's trials on the part of this man, but also wonder what he expects the congregation to do with their (...or...I'm projecting now...MY) sense of outrage and having been "violated"...at the DESECRATION of sacred space, at being at the mercy of those whose single acts of destruction can impact so many for so long. It's NOT just a question of whether or how we can bring some semblance of "order" back into this little haven of peace---it is the sense that, even as others have written following other, more serious disasters---WE ARE VULNERABLE.

It seems to me that having this now-visible reminder of our vulnerability, that we should be led in 1) GRIEVING what is lost...including some semblance of "safety" and 2) brought together to acknowledge the DIFFICULTY of needing to deal with the "real world" while in the midst of TRYING to prepare for a joyful Christmas and/or 3) to helped on in our own spiritual journey of where/how to "hate the sin but love the sinner" and to relinquish all need for "revenge." I guess part of the frustration of all of this is feeling that the perpetrator will probably NOT get caught---too many other "more important" demands on police time and energy and, after all, in the view of those looking at "bottom line," since the church is insured and has some hope of "restitution" of ITS PROPERTY, that is the heart of the matter.

But no....there's MUCH more to this than JUST the destruction of property and I feel a bit uncertain as to the "church's" leadership simply BECAUSE feelings were left unacknowledged and the obvious was ignored as though it had not happened. ??? I don't know....we've only recently begun attending this church with any kind of frequency and I don't really know this priest, but it was a hard day for me, in spite of some joyful music in church and, later, being able to attend the performance of two early music groups...one a vocal group, the other performing using early instruments---recorders, viola da gamba, etc. We also had a chance to sing some carols with them, while they did some nice descants to that, or alternated singing the verses with the "congregation." As it happened, I was seated in front of an alto, with whom I had previously sung in the church where the performance was held, so it was fun to have a small taste of "being home" to be able to sing together again. (Two of the singers in this vocal group are also in the choir of our "former" Episcopal church, so it was a joy to be able to see them and sing "with" them again too.) We also had a chance to see some friends from other venues who had also attended, so had a fun (and joyful) chance to show the "brag book" of photos of our Marine in dress uniform and his wife and new baby daughter.

Well....that's the extent of my news for today. As always, your on-going prayers appreciated for all....for wisdom, for peace, for "discernment!"

Grace and peace to you all this day--

Theodora

Dec. 8, 2006 -- Responding to a question: "What is hope"

2006-12-09T05:24:00.000-07:00

Good morning, all--

I just found "Profnachos" posting on the Spiritual Abuse forum and wanted to include that question and my response here for further reflection----as able! (NO idea at the moment when I'll be able to get back to this!)

Here's the Thought of the Morning....see below. Hope you all have a good weekend. Our older son is to help us get our outside Christmas lights up this a.m. and I need to work on getting some packages in the mail, so it should be a BUSY day. THEN, I'm to have massage therapy at 12:30, which I HOPE will not leave me so "relaxed" that my husband and I can't also attend a performance of "Amahl and the Night Visitors"---a delightful "operetta" which has been a part of our Christmas musical life for some time now. It's been some time since we've seen it performed, so were excited about the possibility of renewing first-hand acquaintance with it.

More as able! Blessings to you all---

Theodora

--

(My response is at the top; "Profnachos' " question is at the bottom as a quote.)

12-09-2006, 07:21 AM
Theodora

Good topic, Profnachos!!! So good to see you back!

http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?p=43604&posted=1#post43604

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will look forward to seeing responses here and will also try to visit your blog. ( I too have been rather sporadic in being able to post...including on my blog.)
Intense times for me at present....so perhaps my "hope" at the moment is simply that I CAN stay focused on what I need to do in the present and to trust God for the rest.
Will be thinking/meditating about this one in the days ahead. Thanks so much for posting.
HOPE you're doing well and that this Advent is full of joyful expectation for you. Hmmmmm......perhaps "joyful expectation" might be a definition of the moment for me of "hope?"

Grace and peace to you and yours this day--

Theodora

P.S. If interested, my mini-post on my blog yesterday included an updated picture of my granddaughter. I've now "met" her, but not had much time with her. The family is to be here over the holidays, but, as currently "scheduled," I don't have much ...um...HOPE!...that I'll be "allowed" much time with her or my son and his wife then either. More musings...is "hope" the antithesis of what we'd take to be "realistic assessment"?--- i.e. what I'd HOPE would happen is the opposite of what I can ENVISION happening as current attitudes presently stand.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Blessings to you, David. I've missed you and your insights and really am glad to see you!!!
My blog: http://theodorasjourney.blogspot.com/

Quote:
Originally Posted by profnachos
Sorry for being away for so long. I hope to catch up a bit here.
I just posted this question on my blog extending invitations to my readers, but let me repeat it here, and hopefully I will hear from you as well.

Even though hope has a prominent place in our faith ("And now these three remain, faith, hope and love"), I don't remember hearing a sermon about hope. Perhaps that is a good thing. Both faith and love have been hijacked and perverted by the fundamentalists and transformed into tools of judgement and condemnation. Faith has come to mean putting your trust in the fundamentalist system. Love means to "tell the truth" by tell you that you are in sin when you don't submit yourself to the system.

So perhaps hope is our last hope . I don't remember anyone condemning anyone because of hope, or a theological debate about hope ending up in a brawl. Can you imagine that? "Hey you infidel, your hope sucks!"

But what is hope to you? And how does one exercise it?
At what point does a hope become a pipe dream and wishful thinking?

Dec. 8, 2006!!!... And a LOT of "water under the bridge.."

2006-12-08T10:46:00.000-07:00

Hello again!!!

Hard to believe it's been so long since I've been able to post. We're in the "middle of a muddle"....to quote a line from a children's book!.... but TRYING to keep focused on what's important.

However, I've just learned to do some new things with our computer...i.e. to use our scanner to put images in "My Pictures" and wanted to see whether I could post a quote I copied for a friend.

???

Here goes....

Hmmmmmmmmm.....

It's not working.

Let me try another source, a newer picture of my granddaughter Alexa--

So that works! (Isn't she cute, if we do say so??!?!) This was taken when she was about 9 weeks old, in Calif. Her parents, our son and daughter-in-law, wanted to make sure everyone knew that their loyalties were still in Nebraska, I guess! They were here in Neb. for the wedding of a friend in mid-Nov. and I had a chance to meet Alexa then....yea! More to tell when/as I can. We're now looking to have them "home" for the holidays, but scrambling to coordinate everyone's plans, etc. (Your prayers appreciated!) This is all rather intense!

So....enough for now. Will be back in touch when I can. Know that you've not been forgotten, even though I've been silent---as I hope you've not forgotten me either.

Christmastide blessings to you all!

Theodora

Tues. Oct. 3, 2006 So now I'm DREAMING about blogging!

2006-10-03T05:34:00.000-06:00

Oh Gary! WHAT have you done by providing this possibility for me???

Siiiiiiiiiiigh!

Well...like anything else, obviously this endeavor requires both discipline and limits.....the "discipline" to continue to plug away at awakened thoughts which seem to require "pegging down" and the "limits" to know when the necessary time would be better spent elsewhere.

OK....so I've not exactly been "dreaming" about blogging, but I DID awaken with my intended work on the development of community/references to other sources, sort of being "composed" in my head. So......I really do hope to get back to that before too long!

This morning's on-line time, however, took a different direction as I read Gary's most recent post and followed his link to Donn Johnson's blog and an interesting recent post:
http://jibstay.blogspot.com/2006/09/clergy-solution-or-problem.html

Friday, September 29, 2006
Clergy: solution or problem?

So....I posted a couple of comments there, and now have some other thoughts to add to the general mix of reflections on "the church."

HOWEVER, Tuesday mornings are when my husband has "comp" time for working in the evening, SO, once again practical matters must take top priority. Among other things, I STILL need to finish that little job of sewing on pockets for the new sweater purchased for his Mom 2-3 weeks ago! We got it thinking it would be quick to put on--no buttons, just a tie--and then my brother-in-law told us that she really prefers having pants and jackets/sweaters WITH pockets, which this didn't have. SO...I made the pockets...that wasn't too much of a problem since I've been knitting for years...but figuring out how to attach them WAS more of a puzzle than I'd thought I'd have! (Also, sewing requires being more VERTICAL than I have been of late! Knitting can be done while nearly prone.)

So....enough of my rambling for now!

Interesting times of late....at the very least!

Grace and peace--

Theodora

Monday, Oct. 2, 2006 --a new month, a new week and "new routines?"

2006-10-02T08:25:00.000-06:00

Good morning, all--

In the "FWIW" department, I thought I'd just post a couple of comments about our weekend--in particular our visit to church/continuing participation in what activities we can manage.

My husband's "flex" schedule gave him this weekend off, so we did what we could to make use of it. (He's a reference/periodicals librarian at our main public library, and has been maintaining these alternating weekends for years now, as well as other "flex" time in order to man a reference post on Tuesday night as well as the weekend hours on the desks. Hence, you'd think we'd be "used" to what is needed to do this, but we ALWAYS seem to be scrambling to balance the "t0 do" list versus TAKING some time for some better "R&R!")

In any case, we were rather pleased with ourselves that we DID manage to do a bit of BOTH working on the "to-do" list AND having some time to ourselves on Saturday...getting some shopping done, but also taking advantage of a simply beautiful fall day to drive to one of our major parks and then go for a little walk in the "nature center." Peaceful...restorative...and HIGHLY recommended! I'm glad we were able to visit the nature center (and also thankful for the camera which let us capture a bit of what we saw. With family and friends now increasingly "far-flung," we'd like to do more about sharing on something of OUR lives too. You know how it is: "One picture is worth a thousand words!")

HOWEVER, all that walking DID sort of take its toll (Stores are BIG, these days! Have you noticed??!?) and I was rather tired in the evening and sort of draggy yesterday morning as well.

BUT, we did get to church and even made it in time for the adult ed class and then my husband sang in the choir. (I had tried to sing in this choir at the beginning of the year, but had found that I was too tired in the evenings to get to choir rehearsals on Wednesday, so hadn't tried to do this the last couple of weeks. Moreover, though they need men in the choir, they're already "top-heavy" with sopranos, so they don't need me. LONG saga about where and how choirs have been an active part of my church history which I'll spare you. It's a dilemma...I'd LIKE to sing, but I don't feel it's where I should put my energy at the moment.)

If you've followed something of my posts since I began blogging earlier this summer, it may occur to you to wonder WHICH of "my" Episcopal churches we were attending..or, indeed, whether we'd gone back to the Methodist church, where we have also been active in the past. So this is the Episcopal church where our sons' were baptised in the early 1980's, but is not where we currently have membership. (VERY complicated, very difficult saga re our "journey" aka "church-hopping" which I'll spare you at the moment.)

In any case, this was only the third time that I've been able to be there for the adult ed class---something which we hadn't been able to do at our previous Episcopal church since the choir began rehearsal only 10 minutes after the adult class started. Knowing that that sort of routine meant that we had missed out on possibilities for both "learning" AND "fellowship," we both wanted to make the extra effort to attend whatever was offered.

So...we have...but with sort of ambivalent feelings about the "class." The first session was a presentation by two people who had been at the triennial national church meetings this summer, one a deputy to the main church convention--so of COURSE I wanted to hear what was said about that!---and the other a woman who had been a part of the Episcopal Church Women group which had its convention at the same time. We taped that session...and have also taped the following classes...in part because choir participation meant that we had to leave early there too.

Since the "inaugural" session...about which I won't comment right now, since I've YET to listen to the end of the tape so don't really know what all was said there!...my husband attended the first of two sessions on an introduction to Islam (the fall "curriculum" is on World Religions), I attended the next one with him, and then, yesterday, we heard one of the "associate priests" at the church(who also teaches at our university--courses on Western Civilizaton, Introduction to Religion etc.) present something about Buddhism.

Well...In part it served a purpose for us for "being stretched"---no doubt!---and there's much that I'd like to explore in the World of Ideas! (A place to do this might be to "blog" about it, but again, I don't really have the time to do that right now, so it will just have to be "book-marked" as a possibility for now.)

What I did want to take the time to do, however, was to document a bit of how "out of it" I felt!!! I was trying to figure out the source of my discomfort yesterday and I realized that at least PART of it was that, while I have enough memories of being a member there that the PLACE at least is familiar, (and there were three of a class of about 20 whom we did know from "before,") the ACTIVE voices in the class now belong to those who are probably in their 30's. So...THAT's who/what we were "back then"....but we're now joining the "OLDER GENERATION" and this was a first visible recognition of that for me. (I know...that's sort of curious, but when you've been as isolated as I have been through the years due to my illness, it's all too easy not to know how MUCH things have changed in the interim.)

Well...this could be developed as a separate theme of itself "sometime," but right now I'll need to just note this as a kind of disappointing initial venture into finding "community" again, since I need to go use my energy of the moment on some more practical things.

Hope you've had a good weekend and that your week will go well.

Grace and peace!!!

Theodora

Sat. Sept. 30, 2006 -- another new month upon us!

2006-09-30T05:03:00.000-06:00

I feel a bit like Lucy (I think it was!) in one of the old "Peanuts" cartoons who was noting the beginning of a new year and who howled "How CAN it be a 'new' year already? I'm not finished with the 'OLD' one yet!"

So....This month has simply zipped past, with some better "progress" in routines and in getting some things done AND, of course, with marking CHANGES in our lives and in trying to respond to those things. My husband and his niece both had birthdays, we've been trying to do what we can to help/support my husband's brothers as they do what is necessary for their mother, who needs to be moved to a more permanent nursing home "soon," and then, of course, we had the joy and wonder of having Miss Alexa born this month. In and around, we've also begun trying to get at the necessary chores for "winterizing" our home, having the furnace inspected, working some in the garden, re-potting the houseplants to bring them inside, etc. etc. So....again..."progress" has been made and we've been "coping"---and I am SO very thankful for cooler weather which helps me to feel better and for feeling enough better that I've been able to get in some regular walks of late, as well as to "do" these other things.

BUT....

Yea.....did you sense that "But" coming???? Siiiigh. You're getting to "know" me too well!

BUT...somehow I'm at "loose ends" this morning and feeling frustrated at lack of time/energy to have ALSO done some of my own "lower priority" stuff, including working through some of the ideas which have been "brewing" in my head about the church/community etc. Somehow, all of THAT is part of my life as well, and it seems that I also need to work this into "priorities"---though I'm not sure how!

So again, in the "lick and a promise" modality, I'll just note that, though a new grandmother, I'm ALSO still in pursuit of what MY "new experiences" are to be apart from that new role. I've made some notes on some reading I've done of late on some favorite blogs---Gary's, Bruce's, Emerging Grace's, and Jordie's among others...as well as some from the church-related blogs...and hope to develop some comments here "as able."

For now, however, I need to work on finishing sewing on some pockets I knit for a new sweater for my mother-in-law so that we can try to get that in the mail for her today, if we can. (I've actually had these done for a little while, but have felt too tired to do this little chore, so that's frustrating too. Somewhere in the back of my head, I always hear the sardonic voice of an old priest who responded to my teenage "reasons" of why I'd not done something with "The path to hell is paved with good intentions!" Siiiigh! We DO try not to have ONLY "good intentions!")

Grace and peace to you all this day! I'll post more...."one day!"

Theodora

Wed. Sept. 27, 2006 -- New photos of Alexa...

2006-09-27T07:43:00.000-06:00

These were taken at the hospital--probably on Monday, though this isn't documented on my son's website. We were pleased to get a little better idea of what she looks like!

It's a nice cool morning today and I've been out to early Mass and for my morning walk. Thankful for at least some relatively good sleep last night---though I never know how far my relative energy of the moment will "stretch." SO....with that in mind, I must go get at doing what I can on our general "list." Hubby will have a day of vacation tomorrow---preparatory to going to his second class on bicycling---but we're not sure what ELSE we could/"should" do.

Thanks for "stopping by"...and thanks, Jordie, for your dear comment yesterday.

I'd like to post some more thoughts related to the church and how it functions (or doesn't)---stimulated in part by a very good post here:

From a blog: "Emerging Grace"

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Ekklesia for Exiles
http://emerginggrace.blogspot.com/

That, however, will just have to "brew" for a while, I guess. Too many items of a "practical" nature to attend to! I would, however, recommend visiting Grace's blog and seeing the good discussion her post has generated.

GRACE and peace to you all this day! (And thanks for "listening" and allowing a new Grandmother to share something of her amazement at all of this change in our lives!)

Theodora

Introducing....!!!

2006-09-26T17:48:00.000-06:00

My granddaughter Alexa Madison---photo taken her first night at home with her parents in California. (Photo received via e-mail from my son late last night/EARLY this a.m.! Isn't technology wonderful??!?)

My son called late this aft.---chatting about a check he had received from a friend, but then, we also reviewed a bit of his/their day. Miss Alexa (like her father before her!) was NOT being easy to get to sleep. My son eventually solved the problem by taking her for a ride in the car. Child of the modern age, all the way, I'm thinking!

Somehow I'M tired too---so won't take the time to try to post more right now. It's always a bit of a challenge to keep ME on track too, so I'll yield to the ol' bod's signal that it's time to REST right now.

More as able. Thanks to those of you who've stopped by and shared our joy.

Theodora

SHE'S HERE!!!!!!!

2006-09-24T14:15:00.000-06:00

Hi all---

Here's my update as just sent to our e-mail list--slightly edited to remove names. Happy Grandmom here...but somehow TIRED too!

Thanks to those of you who might have been praying us through this.

---

(Our son) called c. 30 minutes ago with the news that his daughter had been born this a.m. c. 8 PDT--I think he said! Labor went well and they were able to have a midwife deliver the baby, as planned. ( (His wife) had elected to have a midwife instead of an obstetrician for her care, since that meant that she would see the same person throughout her pregnancy and delivery, rather than not knowing who she might get for care...and, there are always doctors on call.) When (our son) called, the baby had had a feeding and was asleep and they were waiting for the transfer to a room.

The baby's "stats"--
Weight-- 7 lbs 11 oz
Height-- 21 1/2 inches

Name??????????
They're still deciding on a middle name, so we'll just have to settle on "Baby Girl (our last name)" for now, I guess. (Our son) said they had six weeks to decide...!!!...but we'll assume they'll be able to work things out before then.

In any case, if you've been praying---THANKS.. VERY relieved and thankful to know that SHE IS HERE and the parents seem to be doing well too!!!!

Had a nice morning at church this a.m. and pleasant company at the church "picnic"---actually they barbecued hamburgers outside,but it was cool enough that they had us eat inside, where the "normal" tables are set up for the little brunch that they host every week between the services. (My husband) took off early--actually before church was quite over!-- to go to his picnic for his bicycling club and is not yet back. (I got a ride home with a friend.) It's clear and cool...but we'll trust not too cool to be really nice to be out. After having had c. an inch of rain on Thursday and some really overcast days this past week, we were just thankful to have it as nice as it is for an outdoor event/ He took along some of our "outdoor toys"---i.e. frisbee ring, nerf football etc.---sometimes it's just as well that we've not been too "organized" about getting rid of all our sons' "stuff." Trust he's having fun!

Will let you know what the baby's name is when we do!

Thanks to those of you who've already passed along good wishes. Will share them on.

HAPPY FALL, one and all! Nice beginning to a new season, eh?

+ + +

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh! Now for a nap!

More as able--

Theodora

Sunday, Sept. 24, 2006 -- Update as posted on NACR

2006-09-24T05:54:00.000-06:00

Good morning all! It's somewhat early here, but...it seems I'm UP, so wanted to share on something of our news. Our Marine called last night to report that his wife had gone into labor and had been admitted to the hospital...so, now we're in the "waiting" mode! Your continuing prayers appreciated that all go well. (And thanks if you prayed about my husband's venture into the political world last Wed.--I guess it went fairly well, though he didn't think to find out when the news interview would be broadcast and I was asleep at the time...so I missed it! That, however, might have been an answer to MY prayer as well!)

In any case---here's something of my thoughts of the morning as posted on NACR. Will be back in touch here as able. See below.

Grace and peace to you all this day--

Theodora

--

Theodora
09-24-2006, 06:45 AM

Sunday Sept. 24, 2006 -- "This is the day which the Lord has made"...
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=5276

"...let us rejoice and be glad in it."(This was a favorite verse from childhood, though I can't remember when I first learned it...perhaps it was quoted by my paternal Grandmother, with whom I lived for some time when recovering from rheumatic fever and then, as my parents' lives were more than a little "scrambled" for about 3 years after that.)Grandmother E. was also fond of singing "What a friend we have in Jesus..." as she worked around the kitchen. Oddly enough, that song now does NOT bring me comfort, but awakens rather the distress over NOT being "befriended" and feeling rather annoyed that Grandmother could seem so out of touch with reality. "Friend?" WHAT "friend?" (I'm thinking at the moment of Satscout's Andrew's reaction to having anyone pray near him and wondering what his true feelings are and why such things don't minister to him at the moment. Perhaps it's something like what I felt then.)Well....I'm thankful to report a relatively good amount of sleep for me in the night, though I've only been able to doze rather fitfully since c. 3 a.m. when I sent out the "news bulletin" to our family and friends that my daughter-in-law had gone into labor. No news yet....but it's understandable! I guess I was lucky with our son--now the new father-to-be/or perhaps by now, a new father! I was an "older mom"....and he was our first (and only) biological child. As I recall, my labor was only about 8 1/2 hours--certainly LONG enough!--but I know things can drag on much longer. No way of knowing....so...just trying to be calm about all of this and trust that everything is going as it should be.Plans for this a.m. call for my husband and me to get to church...he to sing in the choir and I???...not sure. I wasn't able to get to rehearsal this past Wednesday and I'm not sure if the director will want/need me to sing. Last Sunday the choir was relatively sparse, my husband said (I wasn't able to go then either)....so, it may be that there's something I can pick up and sing. (The director does rehearse anthems several weeks in advance, so I think I was probably introduced to the anthem for today when I DID attend the first rehearsal c. 3 weeks ago.)In any case, THEN, in a rather unusual scheduling, my husband's bicycling club is holding a "first" club picnic for the "noon" hour, so he'll have to leave early for that. HOWEVER, this church is ALSO hosting a picnic for the congregation and, since we've just recently "returned" to this parish, I wanted to go to that. (VERY complicated church saga, which I'll spare you. In brief, though our membership is at another Episcopal church in town, we had returned to this Episcopal church---where our sons were baptised---when our Marine was home last Christmas, and then have continued to sing there--off and on---ever since. Right now, this seems the most supportive environment we can find for us.) Sooooooooo.....hubby will take his bicycle on our car carrier and leave me at church, assuming I'll be able to find a ride home. As he wrote a friend, we'll then "compare notes" later to see who "had the most fun!" Hope you all have a good day today. Will be back with an update on our personal Saga of the moment when I can. Thanks for your prayers!!!

Yours in Christ--

Theodora

Thurs. Sept. 21, 2006-- Yesterday was a hard day...

2006-09-21T04:42:00.000-06:00

...but, for a wonder, I've now had a relatively decent amount of sleep in the night--and yesterday afternoon--so feel somewhat better this a.m. (I ALSO walked to my chiropractor's appointment...c. 3/4 mile from my home AND back, since my husband had the car. He was astounded...since my husband normally drives me to my appointments---Guess I MUST be doing better, eh?)

Anyway...I've not yet heard the outcome of how this went, but the stress of yesterday was that my husband was one of five people at a press conference for a local "Peace" group who spoke against the war. He drove to work so that he could then have some supper downtown and go on to choir practice without worrying about fitting me into his "agenda." I had made arrangements with the choir director and her husband to get a ride if I was up to it, but, by late afternoon, I just wasn't able to "wake up" enough to go. Having asked for prayer that we be enabled to get through this, perhaps that WAS the "answer" for me....SOMEHOW, I WAS able to "let go," and, though I would REALLY have liked to go to choir practice (since music supports me SO much in my emotional and spiritual life...and because the choir IS becoming a true little "community" for me)--it was also REALLY good to be able to call a halt---literally!

So...I was asleep when my husband got home from choir practice, so I'll have to wait until breakfast time to get something of his update. I was pleased to get a phone call from the pastor of one of our churches who, in responding to my early a.m. e-mail about this, asked when the press conference would be, since she wanted to be there to support him!!! Terrific, right? Right! I was very grateful and told her so.

Today I have an appointment with my massage therapist, who does "orthobionomy" on me...and which typically "wipes me out" for a bit. My husband will get off at noon and has the afternoon as vacation time, so he'll drive me to the appointment. THEN, he'll leave c. 3:30 p.m. or so to drive out of town for a 2nd class he's taking with the League of American Bicyclists to become a licensed bicycling instructor. (Actually, I misunderstood when he began this...this is just the "basic" course---a prerequisite for the more advanced course for instructors--so, though this part ends next week, he still has some work to do on this.) He's REALLY happy to be able to do this...the ENERGY with which he charged out the door to go to class last week was unbelievable!...and I'm happy too that this part of a long-standing dream of his is being fulfilled.

HOWEVER....(siiiiiiiiiiiigh!).....all of this DOES complicate our lives a LOT, and trying to "keep up" on the home front, while he's off doing "his thing" adds some difficulty to what we're trying to handle as a family. (AND, on the other hand, my sense is that his unusually intense activity for both personal and political goals IS part of his own "coping" strategy for the stress over both his aging mother's needs and our new impending role as grandparents....or so says the "amateur psychologist" in me.)

Well....it's now almost 6 a.m. and I am going to get a little bit of breakfast for myself and then continue with my own "coping strategies"--when able--which is to attend the 6:30 Mass at our neighborhood R.C. church (NICE to have something ELSE to think about as I start my day and am asked to focus on the liturgical readings of the day) AND then I'll also try to go for a walk. It's a very hard "balancing" act to know where and how to "push" and where I need to rest, but I THINK I'm evolving some workable "strategies" for myself as well. (I too was pleased and amazed that I COULD respond to an unusual need yesterday by getting myself to my chiropractor's on foot!)

Hope you all have a good day today. More as able.

Theodora

Tues. Sept. 19, 2006-- One week to go!!!

2006-09-19T11:26:00.000-06:00

....until WHAT? you ask???

Well....in case you missed the excitement somewhere along the line, I am about to become a first-time grandmother!

Here's a bit of the update on us, as posted on NACR this a.m.---

09-19-2006, 04:42 AM
Theodora

Tuesday, Sept. 19, 2006-- If all goes on "schedule"...
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=5240
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...by next Tuesday (approximately), I will officially be a grandmother!!!
Our Marine, the father of the little girl, just sent us some photos of the baby's room---BEAUTIFUL! (and such a contrast to what we were able to provide for our children.)
Your prayers appreciated that the birth go well and that the baby be healthy---and that my daughter-in-law will be able to make this transition to her new role in life successfully, and, of course, that the whole new situation of family life for my son be blessed. They've got SO much "living to do" ----before he faces yet another deployment to Iraq. (Major sigh!)
MANY thoughts, many memories being stirred up at the moment --as well as musings on what all of this change means for my husband and myself too. We've not yet seen our son since he returned home from Iraq in Aug. from his second deployment. Again...if all goes on schedule...he expects to fly home from his base in California to attend the wedding of a friend in mid-October...but I know we'll hardly have much "family-of-origin" time then. My husband and older son already have plane reservations to fly out to visit the new family later in October---but I can't travel like that, so.....
More...."letting go and letting God"....it's such a strange mixture of (anticipated) joy and sorrow that I am in tears at the moment.
Siiiiiiiiiiigh. So much for staying "cool" about the whole adventure and/or "going with the flow."
Will keep you updated as able.
Grace and peace to you all this day--
Theodora

(End of post.)

So.....as I also launch into "new beginnings"---or try to, I thought I'd also try posting a photo of the baby's room, received via e-mail from my son last night. See above! It's not where I thought it would be, but...hey!...I actually negotiated some instructions, which is a semi-"big deal" for me!

Now....nap time! I had hoped to join a group of women who are working on creating various things for an outreach program at one of our churches, but lack of sleep is catching up with me.

Hope you've all been well. I suspect that I'll probably be wanting to share more about this big adventure when I can.

Grace and peace....and thanks for "listening"!

Theodora

Mon. Aug. 28, 2006 -- Happy Mom here!!!

2006-08-28T22:32:00.000-06:00

YES!!! Our Marine is back in the States. See below for my update as posted on the National Association for Christian Recovery Open Forum just now.

Thanks to those of you who may have been praying for their safe return. I am SO very thankful this night!

More as able---

Theodora

--

08-28-2006, 11:06 PM
Theodora

Mon. Aug. 28, 2006 -- HAPPY MOM HERE!!!!

http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?p=36996#post36996

Our Marine called us c. 8:50 p.m. CDT from California, having arrived c. an hour earlier. He and his unit had had an 18-hour trip, beginning with a chartered commercial flight out of Kuwait. (He has been stationed in Iraq on second deployment since Jan. of this year.) They had stop-overs in Germany, then Bangore, ME and then flew directly to San Diego. They've been working 12-hour shifts ALL summer long....so you KNOW he's glad to be home--for that, and other reasons, like seeing his now VERY pregnant wife!!!!! Now... is that an understatement or WHAT??!?!
Will try to do more about sharing on what details I can recall of his plans in the days ahead when I can. The good news is that he WILL have some time off prior to the birth of his first child--Sept. 25 is the due date--AND that the Marines grant paternity leave! I was so pleased (and not a little astounded!) to hear that!

I asked him to write up something we could send on to family/friends on our Christmas list and he promised he would. Ol' addled-headed mom REALLY has to "listen hard" sometimes to try to keep up with all he's doing/saying. He is, as one person described it, "quick to speech!" LOL!!! SO wonderful to hear the excitement/energy in his voice, even if he was understandably tired AND, though you may all put it down to my imagination, I swear he DID sound closer to home than he did when he called from Iraq!!!

Sigh.

Must stop and try to decompress a bit. Thanks to those of you who may have been joining with us in praying for their safe return. So far so good. Now to settle in to wait until he is "HOME" and we can hug him too!!!

Blessings to you all this night--

Theodora

Monday, Aug. 28, 2006-- Just a quick check-in....

2006-08-28T18:12:00.000-06:00

I was going to offer a funny little quote I found, but for some reason I can't get the "copy-paste" feature here to work. Too tired to try to figure out what's going on and to "try, try again...." so I'll save it for another time.

Have been REALLY busy with e-mails etc. related to trying to share on necessary information about my mother-in-law and keep in contact with her. Major concern of the moment, as reported from my brother-in-law yesterday--was that Mom's roommate fell and cracked her skull. MOM had to be the one to get nursing care to her...and as of Sunday night, was still crying and "shaky" about it all. I alerted her church to this situation and hope the pastor can visit her soon to help reassure her.

Your prayers appreciated for all---

More as able. STILL haven't heard from our Marine to know whether he's landed safely in California, so need to get off line.

Have a good night...."unless you have other plans," as I've heard it said!

Theodora

P.S. Thanks again to Bruce and Gary for stopping by. More response as able. Know that your posts have really got some reflective thinking going. Thanks....I think! I REALLY would like to be able to follow up on these little "conversations" in a timely fashion, but that's not always possible. Grace and peace.....!

Sat. August 26, 2006--Note to self:....

2006-08-26T13:42:00.000-06:00

THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!

Hello all! I had really thought I'd get back to more "journaling"---or whatever!---here, BUT, after writing my mother-in-law this a.m. and sending some anniversary cards to friends etc., I find that I've had QUITE enough "fun" on the computer, so once again I'm going to just have to note my "good intentions," and promise to post more when I can.

My husband's bicycling club is hosting a "Century" ride today--i.e. 100 miles--a ride with "sag" support etc. They had more than 160 pre-register, so--though pleased with this upswing in popularity from last year's events--they were assuming they'd have a LONG and potentially tiring day. HOWEVER, unlike last year, my husband was also hoping to do one of the shorter routes--i.e. 25 miles.

In any case, I don't expect him home until "late"---since he and "the guys" will probably go out to eat somewhere afterwards so as to review the day, etc. In the meanwhile, I had my own little bit of "socializing" (after LONG dry spell!)--visiting neighbors with some of the extra tomatoes from our little tomato patch. Also had a chance to chat with one of them and found out that we've similar experiences, in that she's just helped move her stepmother into assisted living...SO...I may be bending her ear a bit as we work through this complicated process in the days ahead.

AND...lest we forget...our Marine IS due back at his base on Monday, so I'll be waiting with "bated breath" until I hear that he has indeed landed safely. I HOPE he'll call...but there's no guarantee about that. First things first....like getting reacquainted with his wife, now 8-months pregnant with their first child. BUSY times ahead for them!

So...enough for now. I really need to try to rest some, since I've been up since the wee hours of the morning and am still going.

Thanks, Bruce, for checking in on my previous post. I've been enjoying visiting your blog too.

Blessings to all--

Theodora

P.S. Your reference to this post was very helpful---

(Blogger)--Emerging Grace
http://emerginggrace.blogspot.com/2006/08/survival-tips.html
Thursday, August 24, 2006

From the beginning of her very thoughtful, very well-reasoned post:

Survival Tips

"Because I write often critiquing the church system and examining ideas about how we do church, I am concerned about sowing seeds of discouragement and restlessness in emerging people who are in traditional churches.
It is not my opinion that everyone should abandon church as we know it. For those who are planting churches, I hope we see new expressions of what church life can be. However, those who aren't involved in something new can become a new kind of church member - one with a better understanding of their role in the kingdom and the role of church in their life.
I have written survival tips for the emergent-thinking person who is a part of a not-necessarily-emergent church community."

For various reasons---some of which you can guess, I'm sure!---I'll want to think more about her astute observations and how they might apply in my life. THANKS for the reference!

Thurs. Aug. 24, 2006: Good news in our family!

2006-08-24T05:51:00.000-06:00

FYI...and your prayers as well, if so inclined....

Here's my news of the morning as just posted on the National Association for Christian Recovery Open Forum (which has been my 0n-line "home" since Aug. 1997) See below.

Will try to post some other meditative thoughts etc. "later." (And yes, Gary--that DOES include what has become a kind of on-going "conversation" in my mind with you about the question of how we use music in the church and whether we really mean the texts we sing. Hope your son is safely settled back at college now and that you and your family are doing OK. See Amber's blog for an update on Carly and some sweet pictures of this brave girl who is struggling with leukemia. Please pray for her and her family as well. Thanks.)

Blessings to you all this day as well!

Theodora

----

08-24-2006, 06:39 AM
Theodora
Good news in our family!
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=5053
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If' you'd be so kind...
Please join me in praying for a safe journey for our younger son (and his unit). They will be returning to his base in California after his second deployment with the Marines in Iraq....
THIS COMING MONDAY!!!!!

Our older son was here last night and shared the good news with us. He had spoken with his sister-in-law and so also had the update on the new grandchild-to-be (The baby is due Sept. 26---if I recall---) Our Marine's wife had had a recent ultrasound and was told that the baby's weight (a girl) is estimated at 6 1/2 pounds right now. They had also measured the baby's femur and said she seems to be shorter than normal, however. Since her father and mother are both on the shorter side, I'm assuming this shouldn't be a concern. (Family heritage also plays a part here, I'm guessing. I'm 5' 4"--and my mother's side of the family were all relatively short. I think our son is about ?? 5' 8?...well under 6' at least.)

So...if you would--please pray for a happy reunion for them too, please...and good preparation for the coming birth. We were thankful that our daughter-in-law had been able to come home in June---and her family hosted a lovely baby shower for her then in which she received a LOT of clothes for the child---and I think they've made other preparations in setting up a nursery as well---but of course, there's always more to do and our son will also have to "de-brief" with the Marines etc. Challenging times ahead, as I see it for them.....but we'll do our best to live in the moment and count our blessings as they come.

I've been busy with trying to keep the family in touch with what's going on with my mother-in-law as well. I'm not sure if I posted about this here, but she broke her leg c. 3 weeks ago and had a hip replacement. She's now in a rehab center---but my husband and his brothers have been working toward seeing about arranging for a long-term care facility after she is released from there---so....a crash course for all of us as to what to look for, how to arrange for finances etc.
In the meanwhile, I'm thankful to report that my health is somewhat better at the moment, so that I CAN hope to handle some of the things I'd like to do for/with the family...in good time. (We'll not be able to see the baby until she is big enough to travel later in the fall---since I can't travel to see the new family.) It's been a LONG, hard summer, so we're especially thankful that the weather is now somewhat cooler. That always helps me feel better, though my "challenges" of the summer mean that I really MUST try to find a specialist for my health care SOON...one who can handle the problems of a patient with multiple chemical sensitivities and extensive allergies. I've been maintaining my routine of acupuncture, chiropractic care and massage therapy---in rotation--so that also seems to be helping, however. Yea for some things which seem to work--but your prayers appreciated for this aspect of my life as well.

Will be in touch as I can. I appreciate you all!

Blessings to you all this day---- Do know that you're all in my thoughts and in my prayers as well.

Theodora

Tues. Aug. 22, 2006-- Some news of the day

2006-08-22T18:09:00.000-06:00

After being up somewhat early today, I'm thankful to report that this was a relatively productive day. My husband had "comp" time, since he had worked at the reference desk at the library on Sunday, so he didn't have to report to work until 5 p.m. for his evening shift tonight. He wrote his mom and we put together a little care package of misc. "stuff" for her...including the quote from Mattie Stepanek which I just posted here too. I also finished "compiling" some care packages for other friends and got those in the mail. THEN...in the afternoon, I saw my chiropractor, so am now somewhat less achy --and definitely more relaxed!--than I have been. Part of my saga is the struggle with fibromyalgia, which typically acts up when too much is going on, making me hurt more and sleep more fitfully.

In any case...that's part of the saga, and, having been unusually busy today, I now need to call it quits. I'd really like to work some more with Gary's topic about church music---but that may mean beginning a mini-"book" here, so I really mustn't try to get into that tonight. I did read the comments on his blog in response to his posts about that, however, and will be wanting to think more about that as well.

In the meanwhile, I bid you all a good night and pleasant dreams.

"See" you---when I can!

Theodora

"Prayer for a Journey" by Mattie Stepanek

2006-08-22T17:56:00.000-06:00

Prayer for a Journey
by Mattie Stepanek

(As found on-line on the Oprah Winfrey site at http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/insp/psp/print/ss_insp_psp_mattie_poem4.jhtml )

Her preface:
"One of my favorites is 'Prayer for a Journey,' from the beginning of the book. (The book was not cited specifically, but may have been his compilation of poems called just "Heartsongs.") I think it's so important, especially now, when everybody is feeling a sense of fear…to look at what you have in your life and have sense of gratitude—to see the miracles in your life." — Oprah

Prayer for a Journey

Thank You, God,
Not just for life,
But for our journey through life.
Life is a miracle,
And a journey through life
Is so full of so many more miracles
If we travel with our Heartsongs.
Thank You, God,
For blessing me with the
Gift of Heartsongs,
So that I can enjoy my miracles.

April 1998© Matthew Joseph Thaddeus Stepanek

--
My comments, and additional quotation from Mattie, as sent to my mother-in-law today, August 22, 2006--

This amazing young poet, Mattie Stepanek, wrote several books of poetry. Sadly, after struggling with a rare form of muscular dystrophy, he died on June 22, 2004 at the age of 13.
An excerpt from his autobiographical essay, posted on-line in 2000—

"When I grow up, I want to be a peacemaker. My biggest role model for this is Jimmy Carter, who has been a wonderful peanut farmer, politician, and peacemaker... I call him the 'perfect hero.' I would like to work as a mediator, and share my poetry, essays, and philosophy with others so that they may be inspired to work with other people, too. I want people to know that in every life, there are storms. But we must remember to play after every storm and to celebrate the gift of life as we have it, or else life becomes a task, rather than a gift. We must always listen to the song in our heart, and share that song with others."

http://www.myhero.com/myhero/hero.asp?hero=mattieStepanek

"I want people to know that in every life, there are storms. But we must remember to play after every storm and to celebrate the gift of life as we have it, or else life becomes a task, rather than a gift."

Such wisdom from such an "old soul!" May we remember his advice…and remember Mattie, with thanksgiving.

Some beginning thoughts about the music of the church

2006-08-21T14:16:00.000-06:00

Hi again--

Friend Gary posted about his sons' reaction to "church" music today--See http://poorinspirit.blogspot.com/ -- and that brought to mind a meditation I had posted earlier this summer on the NACR (National Association for Christian Recovery Open Forum) website, in which I was developing some thoughts in response to the "Octave" meditations which the American Episcopal church used prior to the National Convention in June. (In particular, I was responding to this thought re the quoted meditation: "The author writes from the perspective of his experience of having been a part of large family reunions in which the evident differences among the family members were transcended only at the end of the day when singing began and they were able to celebrate a common life BEYOND their differences." )

06-08-2006, 09:10 AM
Theodora
Thurs. 6-8-06 --Day 5 of the "Octave"-"Grow in Gratitude"
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=4495
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks to those of you who may have been thinking with me about these meditations that the Episcopal church is using prior to its national convention which begins next week. All prayers appreciated! As I said initially, I see this as being a potentially "historic" convention in the life of the church nationally, and perhaps in the Anglican Communion world-wide as well. Yesterday's post again reviewed a bit of the history of my thoughts about the meditations. If interested that is at http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?p=32295#post32295

From that post:

So, again starting with looking at the place of this particular meditation in the context of the whole, we are now on the fourth day....first acknowledging the work of the Spirit in our lives, then, the call to live in "hope"....then...LOVE...and now, with that as a basis, the call to grow in "Understanding." (This meditation is at http://www.episcopalchurch.org/53785_74514_ENG_HTM.htm ) Today's meditation "Grow in Gratitude" is at http://www.episcopalchurch.org/53785_74436_ENG_HTM.htm

The author writes from the perspective of his experience of having been a part of large family reunions in which the evident differences among the family members were transcended only at the end of the day when singing began and they were able to celebrate a common life BEYOND their differences. (An aside for Gary---I'd like to think more about the implications of this as I've experienced difficulties in my family life with my sons as well. Will see about writing that up "later.")

From the meditation:

"In these moments gratitude for our common life overwhelms our differences. The gratefulness is palpable: gratitude for the faith and courage of ancestors and parents, gratitude for the love and dreams which have brought us over a long, difficult road to this generation. Most of all, we feel gratitude to God by whose grace we share in such a special heritage. Somehow the singing brings remembrance that who we are in our common root is greater than the differences which distinguish us."

As someone whose spiritual/emotional life has been strongly supported in being able to sing the liturgy of the church, I personally found these comments interesting for two reasons: 1) YES....sometimes we DO find in music a common "language" which will help us to live "in the moment" and to transcend all feelings of being "different" from one another, but 2) for this person, the "common" music was not so much "of the church," but out of a common cultural heritage which had supported his family and ethnic identity.

Episcopalians have a particular "challenge," it seems to me, when we try to use our own broad heritage of music to "connect" to the contemporary world, let alone to use it as the "common voice" to transcend differences. In a word, our liturgy is QUITE complex and, in an attempt to "make room" for new forms of worship, etc. the prayer book has become relatively complicated to use as well. The "liturgical music"---which might put some people off, if you've not grown up with this!---is printed at the front of the hymnal, with the other hymns divided up into sections, so that, in order to find your way through a service, you may need to look up as many as 8 different references! As a choir member, I've long since learned that the only way that you can hope to follow through a service in a "timely" fashion is to pre-set the hymnals with bookmarks, enabling me to turn quickly to the music that is needed without interrupting TOO much the "flow" of the worship experience in general. But...this is WORK!....and this is from the perspective of a person who reads music and has been nurtured by it!

How does the church transmit that hoped-for "common experience" in the liturgy while also engaging in the needed on-going education of the laity which is needed if they are to participate? (As my own small contribution to this dilemma, one thing I did was to provide bookmarks for both hymnals and prayer books at one of "my" Episcopal churches, the hope being 1) that having the resource of the bookmarks would facilitate the process of finding your way through the service and 2) the knowledge that even "old-timers" are WORKING their way through a service, might allow newcomers to know that it's OK to ask for help...but 3) that all of this moving into what we need to know, would indeed allow ALL to "participate" as the church encourages us to do. The liturgy of the church is not a "spectator sport," but a COMMON action of the people of God, drawn together to praise God and to receive strength at His altar.
Thanks for "listening"---and please do keep praying! Thanks.

Theodora
P.S. Going back to the earlier meditations, I do like the progression of thought in what has been considered...yesterday's "understanding," for example, now moving into "gratitude" at ALL that we're "discovering."

Mon. Aug. 21--Cooler weather, a visit from friends & church!

2006-08-21T04:39:00.000-06:00

Well-- "Monday" has come, though it's still early where I am. (One of my challenges is a difficulty sleeping/insomnia. I've long since learned that it's counter-productive to just continue to toss and turn when I become wakeful, so I guess I'm "up" for now and thought I'd use the time for a little update here. Thanks again to Gary for this possibility in my life!!!)

We had dear friends visit us over the weekend, returning to their home in Missouri after visiting their daughter and family in Oregon. They'd made reservations in a local motel, so we also had a chance to see them yesterday morning, and go to church with them---first I'd been back to ANY church since the Convention! They took us out to dinner and then we reciprocated by taking them out to lunch after church---somewhat abbreviated, since my husband had to work yesterday afternoon. (He's a reference librarian at the main branch of our public library, so has to work "flex" hours to cover the duties on the desk.)

Well----with some good conversation and prayer "in community"--- I must say I'm feeling so much better! Could it be true...."No man is an island...."??? !!! Physically too, I seem to be doing somewhat better (cooler weather DOES help with that for me!)... so I'm thankful for that, and especially thankful that I was able to pull myself together enough to get out of the house and enjoy the visit with the friends.

My husband had a good, productive "visit"/meeting with his brothers, and visit with his Mom...and returned safely on Friday night. MUCH to do in the days ahead, but a good beginning has been made---we think!---on handling some necessary business details AND the good news is that Mom now seems accepting of the idea that she needs to be moved to a more permanent assisted living (or "other"?...retirement home etc. Not sure how much active help she'll need at first) when she finishes her recovery at the "rehab" place. We expect some more "waffling" back and forth on this, since we've gone through this before, BUT, for right now, we THINK we're all on the same page. It's all very stressful---for all---of course! BUT, we're thankful for what has been possible to help Mom (and each other!) and are TRYING to "take one day at a time!" We're also thankful for communication possibilities with each other via e-mail etc. Having already done a fair amount of that myself in the last few days, I think I'll probably have a busy fall trying to keep in touch where it seems most necessary.

Mini-thought of the day---

One of the hymns sung at yesterday's service was the familiar "Where Cross the Crowded Ways of Life"....

Where cross the crowded ways of life
(Episcopal Hymnal 1982, #609)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where cross the crowded ways of life,
where sound the cries of race and clan,
above the noise of selfish strife,
we hear thy voice, O Son of Man.

In haunts of wretchedness and need,
on shadowed thresholds dark with fears,
from paths where hide the lures of greed,
we catch the vision of thy tears.

From tender childhood's helplessness,
from woman's grief, man's burdened toil,
from famished souls, from sorrow's stress,
thy heart has never known recoil.

The cup of water given for thee
still holds the freshness of thy grace;
yet long these multitudes to see
the sweet compassion of thy face.

O Master, from the mountain side,
make haste to heal these hearts of pain;
among these restless throngs abide,
O tread the city's streets again;

Till all the world shall learn thy love,
and follow where thy feet have trod;
till glorious from thy heaven above,
shall come the city of our God.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Words: Frank Mason North, 1903 (FMN--1850-1935)
Music: Gardiner (Walton?)

I was more than a little struck by how "contemporary" these words sounded--in spite of the archaic language--and found the text on-line to send to my mother-in-law, also doing a little research on the author of the text.

From an on-line biography, found with my husband's help on the library website:
http://vnweb.hwwilsonweb.com/hww/shared/shared_main.jhtml?_requestid=798682

"North had few hobbies, but he wrote dozens of poems: for moments of personal sorrow or devotion, for missions, and for special occasions at Wesleyan or Drew University (a Methodist institution his father had helped to found and with which North was closely associated as trustee and Madison neighbor). A number of these verses appeared in the hymnals of various denominations and in several languages, but no other has remained such a favorite as "The City Hymn," first published in the Christian City in 1903 as "A Prayer for the Multitudes" but better known as "Where Cross the Crowded Ways of Life." Remembered as a Republican who wrote eloquently on Christian socialism and a preacher who insisted that faith be applied to poverty and injustice in the inner city, North gave impetus to the ecumenical movement and empowered millions of Christians around the world to sing a new song."

May we all continue to learn to sing these "new songs" during the stressful days ahead. No question...these are "challenging times," but there's also healing abroad---I think!

Grace and peace to you all in this new week.

Theodora

Some inspirational quotes as I try, try again....!

2006-08-17T19:08:00.000-06:00

Hello all????? Now that everyone has probably given up on me, I thought I'd offer a quick update and some inspirational quotes I researched today for my mother-in-law, who is now in a nursing home, recovering from a broken leg/hip replacement. (The family is going to try to get her moved to some sort of permanent assisted living, since, at age 90, it really is DANGEROUS to have her living on her own. My husband has just now left for another "turn-around" trip to visit her and his brothers...c. 4 hour drive one way: "manageable," but tiring. He has to work this weekend, so he needs to use what time he can to connect with the family.) SOoooooo...that's PART of our saga of late. However, as Gary surmised, I've also not been feeling well. With the beginning of cooler weather and some other "changes" in my situation, I THINK I may be able to be something more than a total couch potato. In any case, FWIW.....here are the quotes I wanted to share on:

Selected Inspirational Thoughts from the Web
http://www.rider.edu/175_3530.htm#Just_for_Today

A Wish for You

When you're lonely, I wish you love. When you're down, I wish you joy. When you're troubled, I wish you peace. When things are complicated, I wish you simple beauty. When things are chaotic, I wish you inner silence. When things look empty, I wish you hope. I do not wish you joy without a sorrow, Nor endless day without the healing dark, Nor brilliant sun without the restful shadow, Nor tides that never turn against your bark. I wish you love, and strength, and wisdom, And gold enough to help some needy one, I wish you songs, but also blessed silence, And God's sweet peace when your day is done. Anonymous

+ + +

Troubles of Life

The little troubles and worries of life, so many of which we meet, may be stumbling blocks in our way, or we may make them stepping-stones to a noble character and to Heaven. Troubles are often tools by which God fashions us for better things. Henry Ward Beecher

+ + +

Einstein on the Meaning of It All

"Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to divine a purpose.... From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that man is here for the sake of other men -- above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day I realize how much my own outer and inner life is built upon the labors of my fellow men, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received."
-- Albert Einstein, (U.S. (German-born) physicist, 1879-1955) Source: http://www.globalethics.org/newsline/members/currentissue2.tmpl

+ + +

Jesus as Life and Resurrection
[Excerpts from the Gospel of John, chapters 11 to 14]

I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. (Jn. 11:2526)

A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. All men will know that you are my disciples if you love one another." (Jn. 13:3435)

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. (Jn. 14:1)

I am the way - and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
(Jn. 14:6)

Peace I leave with you: my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (Jn. 1427)

*****************************************

Selected Inspirational Quotes from the Web, Part 2

http://www.motivateus.com/thou-6.htm

"Kind words may be short and easy to speak, but the echoes are truly endless."

---Mother Teresa --- Contributed by Q.A. & Amy Rossi --- Ohio

"The friendship that can cease has never been real."

--- St. Jerome --- Contributed by Kristen Hope Rigsby "

Earth is crammed with heaven."
--- Elizabeth Barrett Browning --- Contributed by Angela --- B.C.,Canada

"People are like stained-glass windows.They sparkle and shine when the sun is out,but when the darkness sets in,their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."
--- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross --- Contributed by Creta Washington --- Pennsylvania

+++++

http://crystal.typepad.com/crystalclear/inspirational_quotes/index.html

One Hundred Years from now... it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove, but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.

**********************************************

I also included the "Interview with God" which is best viewed on-line with the spectacular nature photography. (See http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/presentation.html )

More as able---perhaps. I had really thought I'd be able to do more with this site, but ....well...I'm just thankful that it IS still here as a possibility in my life.
Hope your summer has been going OK. Gary---if you happen by, know that I have been thinking of you and will be keeping you in prayer as you continue to recover from your surgery. You're really awesome----Your site has SO much inspiration there, and now some really beautiful pictures as well. THANKS! (Returning the favor, since Gary posted a reference to my blog, HIS blog is at http://poorinspirit.blogspot.com)

I've had a rather long day, working on transcribing some business information for my husband and his brothers to use as they begin to work on getting my mother-in-law's affairs squared away...we hope! SO....enough for now.

Theodora

"A little learning is a dangerous thing"...

2006-07-12T18:08:00.000-06:00

...is the thought that comes to mind today as I try to begin to delve into something of my reading and "meditating" of late.

I'm not sure how coherent this will be, but I hope I won't get too far off the track.

It seems that I've been engaged in a kind of crash course in learning something of the theoloGIES/politics of the Episcopal Church in the U.S.A., as well as the broader Anglican Communion. Over the past several days/weeks as I got caught up in the news from the triennial national convention of the "ECUSA"--(or, as it now prefers to be called---just the "Episcopal church")--I have read both conservative and liberal blogs, as well as something of the theological work related to all of this, including from the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams. As I read, trying to begin to make sense of all of this (and to quell my on-going anxiety about what I was reading) --it was also very frustrating to think that it didn't really matter what a single person in the pews thought or felt: it appears that the die has been cast for the Episcopal Church to "walk apart" from the rest of the Anglican Communion in a more official manner. Dr. Williams' initial long response to key actions out of the Convention point the way to a kind of "two-tier" relationship--one in which the more traditional views can be kept "in covenant," while others would be in "associate" status. Complicated, difficult, PAINFUL things to contemplate!

More basically, as I've not been at all well, I've really struggled to THINK at all, let alone to try to wade through some of the longer, more-"theological" posts, OR, for that matter, to follow some of the lengthy responses on the blogs. I think I'm beginning to understand at least something of who the key players are and a bit of "how things work" in church politics--but what I've learned isn't exactly reassuring.

As I think I've already mentioned here, on the local level, there are four Episcopal parishes. As it happens, the one where my husband and I now have membership, is one of the most liberal ones, now proclaiming itself to be an "inclusive Eucharistic community." For various reasons--not the least of which has been long-periods of near-isolation due to illness--I am only precariously involved in this "inclusive" community and haven't been able to attend much of recent years. (This was not its primary identity when we first began attending some years ago, but it now appears that this WILL be its primary role in the future.)

In an ironic twist, my husband, who was raised a Methodist, is now most closely associated with the church--NOT because of its theology, necessarily--but because he has been practicing with the choir (a superb one, having been directed by a university professor and with having many members recruited from the music faculty or other professional groups!)--and because this music really nurtures him. (He has only recently resumed singing with them on Sundays--a long saga, involving my messed-up history in the churches!--so, naturally, would NOT want to opt out of the church at this point.)

My problem?

I'm having a LOT of trouble identifying this---or, perhaps, in being "politically correct" as I try to state a "position" for myself. It's sort of a case of being "neither fish nor fowl nor good red herring." My journey into faith has involved various forms, MUCH reading, and--when I've been able to do this--a fair amount of active engagement in various church-related activities...in various venues. Since I've not been employed for more than twenty years, the church has also been a key part of what community I've had---though there have also been times when I've also been active in the neighborhood and, when our sons were young, in the Scouting program.

However, a key part of my spiritual development has been through the sacramental presence of the Eucharist and for this the church needs its clergy. And now, based on what little I know of the rector at my present Episcopal church (new as of a year ago)...coupled with little communication from our delegates at the time of the Convention but with that gap of knowledge supplied by all these other conflicting sources of "information" and opinion, I find that I simply don't trust what's going on--which means that I also don't trust those charged with ministry now. I feel that I've been naive and out of touch---but then, I've WANTED to trust the leadership of the church. Indeed, I think liturgical churches rely on having informed clergy, who are to be inspirational leaders and who are charged with deciding whether or not people are in need of "correction" or not. Result?---Insofar as the question of "pastoral care" of homosexuals/lesbians was concerned, I didn't regard it as any of my business.

Now however, my kind of "laissez-faire" attitude is not going to be "good enough" for the liberals of the church who are now in charge---including the newly elected woman who will be our presiding Bishop. With reference to "justice, " this branch of the church will not be satisfied until those with "alternative lifestyles" have free access to all levels of "inclusiveness," including becoming bishops.

My problem? I don't THINK I'm "homophobic," but yet I ALSO have huge problems with elevating those with these alternative lifestyles to positions of power, as though their manner of living didn't matter at all. And now---I'm already in WAY over my head and hardly know WHAT I think about all I've been reading about "contextual analysis" of the Bible with its references to homosexuality and the implication that our current knowledge is so much more understanding that we should not be bound by that--or, alternatively, that the Bible is clear that homosexuality should not be tolerated. The new presiding bishop-elect has already announced that she doesn't believe that homosexuality is a sin. Well.....be that as it may....I'm NOT standing in judgment about this as liberals plow through the Biblical analysis of all of this.

What I resent is the energy that will be going into all of this, and the fact that my middle-of-the-road position will not be "good enough" in the months/years ahead. Either we get on board with what the current leadership says "we" believe or we shut up about it, maintaining what connection we can with the church----or we engage the struggle for what the church will become. For various reasons, not the least of which is my own limitation due to illness, I cannot enter into this struggle---but I also don't know where else to find the kind of church that I need NOW and in the weeks/months/years ahead. In any case, as I mentioned before, this puts me in a kind of identity crisis. I am a life-long Episcopalian, and now, what that MEANS has been changed and I don't "fit" any more, it seems.

My husband and I sang in the choir of another Episcopal church this past Christmas and for a while into the spring--and that may be a possibility again. But---1) I know my husband will be more nurtured at the first church ( and all of these "issues" don't really bother him, since his spirituality has not been nurtured in the same way that mine has) and 2) he will really NOT want to try another church. (We've also had membership at this church before, and this is where our sons were baptised.) Problem---the rector at the second church has recently retired and we have no idea who the interim priest will be, let alone who will be chosen as rector c. 18 months from now. AND...in any case, given the total "climate" of ALL the churches, I don't know whether I can trust anything anywhere. (A third local Episcopal church has already effectively isolated itself from the rest of the diocese, proclaiming ultraconservative values. We've ALSO been involved with this church before, but---for various reasons---not the least of which is the way those ultraconservative values have been preached---that church is not an option now. The fourth church is barely more than a mission church and wouldn't really meet our needs.)

Well---there's the tip of the iceberg, FWIW.

Your prayers appreciated that we ALL not lose our way in all of this--nor lose hope and faith!

Thanks for "listening"--!

T.

Monday, July 10, 2006 -- Still "here"...sort of!

2006-07-10T17:59:00.000-06:00

Thanks to David and Bruce for checking in on my last post and for asking about me.

I realize that I've just violated the first "rule" of blogging---that of trying to keep posts frequent--as I understand it--or, at least, frequent enough that it's worth your time to check in to see the latest. Somehow it hardly seems possible that it's been almost a week since my last post. Well...to "try, try again..."

It's been rather warm of late and our house isn't air conditioned very well---so that's part of my saga. (Typically, with my chronic illness of various descriptions, I do best when we need neither heat nor air conditioning--giving me a very small window in which I feel somewhat better and can get out.) Beyond that?---not sure. Some of this is due to physical problems, no doubt, but I am also more than a little weighed down by a kind of "identity crisis" in the aftermath of the national church convention.

I'll see if I can be more articulate about this "soon." Right now, my husband is home and I am tired, so I won't try to do more with this tonight.

Blessings to you all.

T.

P.S. I just checked a site I've been following since the Episcopal Convention and found an amazing list of hot-links of latest news at http://gencon06.classicalanglican.net/ A quick count gave me something like 60 new sources of information! I think all of that will need to WAIT until tomorrow...at least!

July 4th -- Just touching base...

2006-07-04T18:55:00.000-06:00

My husband still isn't doing well, though his pain is considerably better since having a chiropractic treatment yesterday.

I'm also struggling and hardly in a "festive" mood. Ironically, it was my husband who insisted on putting out our flag and standing to watch the annual neighborhood parade go by our house.
I'm currently semi-listening to the annual PBS broadcast of "A Capitol Fourth"--but I'm also thankful for the mute button for the pieces which are too modern for my tastes! Ah... sigh.....who knew I could be such a curmudgeon?

Hope you've all had a good day today---whether or not it was a special holiday where you are!

More as able--

T.

Some updates on the aftermath of the church Convention...

2006-07-03T04:05:00.000-06:00

This is going to require more discipline on my part if I am not going to be drawn into "conversation"/thinking which is not conducive to sleep! (Insomnia is a long-standing problem in my life and I've long-since learned that it's usually best just to get up and "DO" something, rather than staying in bed tossing and turning. Searching the internet and/or responding to posts on-line has been part of what I've done over the past several years. HOWEVER, it's important not to get TOO stimulated by what I do with this time, as I just did.)

In any case, I've now been awake for about an hour or so and, in the interests of just noting things for future reference and "letting go" of the anxiety of the moment, here are the articles I found on-line:

1. Anglicanism at the crossroads (an older article, published in the The Guardian, February 19, 2005) http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,3604,1417840,00.html

The author of that article, Kendall Harmon, is the editor of a conservative Anglican site, which I found on a brief Google search. Looking at some recent updates there, I noted the following:

2. Pentecost Undone: the 75th General Convention by Rev. D. Lorne Coyle (rector, Trinity Episcopal Church, Vero Beach, Florida and delegate to the Convention. This article comments on the confusion/discomfort this priest experienced as the various liturgies used languages other than English in unexpected places at the Convention. Interesting description of personal experience with some interesting comments on the article which delve into some of the theological implications of the action.) http://titusonenine.classicalanglican.net/ -- Posted on July 2, 2006

(As linked from Kendall Harmon's site)--

3. 3 conflicts divide Episcopals -- an article in a Charleston, N.C. paper on July 2, 2006
http://www.charleston.net/stories/?newsID=95632&section=faithvalues

4. A Pastoral Letter to the Diocese from the Bishop of Fort Worth (This is one of the dioceses which is in the process of applying for alternative primatial oversight--i.e. in effect withdrawing from the ECUSA.) July 2nd, 2006 http://www.fwepiscopal.org/gc/Report%20to%20the%20Diocese.pdf

I'm probably too awake right now to hope to get back to sleep, but at least I know I've got someplace to find these articles again. AND, in the meanwhile, if these issues concern you as well, you'll know what I've been reading about this of late.

Your prayers appreciated for ALL in this complicated mess, if so inclined! Thanks.

T.

"I LOVE mankind....it's PEOPLE I can't stand!"

2006-07-02T16:15:00.000-06:00

...or so said one of the Peanuts characters of yore!

(FWIW--my adventure of the morning. Long. Read at leisure.)

This Sunday morning my poor husband awoke in considerable pain and we finally decided that it warranted a trip to the Emergency Room. He had been increasingly uncomfortable since returning from his long bicycle tour this past Wednesday, but had just attributed it to some sort of strain from the ride. Yesterday, however, he came home from work early, complaining a bit of stomach upset, in addition to the pain in his side. I feel a bit guilty in retrospect that I wasn't more alert to what he might need, but it's not always easy to tell how serious something might be with him. (We've both been trained to be good little Stoics when necessary, it seems. Sometimes that's a good thing; other times it's counterproductive.)

However, this morning, it was evident that he was in a LOT of pain and the home remedies of icing it/followed by a soak in the tub and the usual analgesics weren't working. SO, I drove him to the hospital for a diagnosis (bronchitis/inflamation of the chest wall) and then went to take his prescriptions to a drugstore, which meant a bit of an additional wait. Fortunately, I had thought ahead and had some food with me, but I was REALLY glad to get home...c. 3 hours after our little adventure had first begun. I was also thankful that this was something which could be treated at home, of course!

So...what's my title about? No....rest assured, I was thankful that I WAS well enough to be able to drive my husband this morning and my wait in the air-conditioned waiting room was relatively comfortable, so that's not what set me to musing on this topic this morning. I had brought my own reading material with me--and also had a notebook with me in which I made some half-hearted attempts at journaling--so there was no reason for me to be bored. It's not that I wasn't concerned about what the doctors would find in examining my husband, but I quickly got into a sort of suspended animation state.

Initially, there was only one other person in the waiting room, an older gentleman who seemed really caught up in his own world, gazing at the television across the room, which he could hardly have been hearing, since it was barely audible. I settled down to read and--in the unspoken lessons of society--we both avoided each other's eyes. Some time later, he got up and looked down the hall a bit and, when he came back, I commented that it was hard to wait, to which he agreed, adding "particularly when they don't tell you anything." End of conversation--almost--though I volunteered a bit about why my husband was there. No reciprocity on that little gambit, so I went back to reading.

About 30 minutes later, we were joined by a young man, who plopped himself down across the room from the older gentleman--I was sort of in the corner, at right angles to G1, as I'll call him.
Back to reading, creating my own little "space" as best I could, though surreptiously doing a bit of people watching as various patients---including my husband---were moved from place to place either via wheelchair or on gurneys. Young man #1, after staring into space for a while, got up and found the magazine racks, chose one and re-positioned himself in the opposite corner from me. More reading. More waiting. My mind began to wander a bit and I was finding it increasingly hard to concentrate. Oddly enough, though I had thought that the journals I had brought to read would provide a good variety of material for the anticipated wait, the articles weren't engrossing enough to hold my attention. So much for being a "good Scout" and being "prepared!"

I thought of the French play, Waiting for Godot, which, as I recall was about a similar sort of "in limbo" experience. (I've never read it, but it was part of general literature scanned in excerpt form as part of my struggle in graduate school. FAR too long ago to be useful information for the present!) I thought how glad I was that I had thought to bring my watch with me, since the marking of time represented at least SOME sort of "control" in my situation, as there was no clock in the waiting room. (A conscious decision by the hospital administration? One presumes so. Why? If we don't see what time it is, are we less anxious about all the time we're spending? If we don't know how long a procedure is taking, are we more content to believe that all is OK? Or is that just one more way to cut corners when the finances are tight? Could well be the latter. Silly me!)

And so some more time passed, with my attention wandering in and out, picking up various bits of information about hospital life on the local level, being grateful that this was HARDLY anything like those horrid scenes depicted in shows like E.R. on television. No...just the orderly passing of people being moved here and there, disappearing behind the secured area from time to time, an almost eerie scene of movement with minimal hubbub, minimal conversation and...from my perspective...the blessed relative silence of having NO piped-in music to distract us.

And I sat and wondered about the unspoken dramas in these people's lives, people who all would no doubt have preferred to be somewhere else on this Sunday morning, strangers literally passing each other without reference to what could be a common bond. And I wondered, as I seemed to grow attached to the chair, and the room became "mine" for a bit, how long it takes for people to become used to new surroundings and to begin to make themselves at home? An unanswerable question, no doubt--but what makes it possible to respond to another's misfortune and to offer what comfort one can, if only a smile and a half-hearted attempt at conversation?

I wasn't to find that out, not only for lack of time--ironically!--but also because all of a sudden the waiting room became much busier and it was impossible for me to be in my own little "space." A young, rather unkempt couple came in, the man being wheeled in by the woman. Since the room was hardly larger than a good-sized living room and already was lined with chairs on 3 1/2 sides (the fourth side having the opening to the hallway of the hospital area)--there really was no room for the wheelchair. Placed in front of chairs down the row from G1, the young man was left about 4 feet from my chair, with him facing toward me, and the young woman about to take a seat there. Now then....all of a sudden, we're in "elevator mode," when everyone should be facing OUT, in the same direction, rather than having to invade each other's "personal space." I was UNCOMFORTABLE!

The woman decided, however, that she needed to go out for a smoke and so they then repositioned the wheelchair nearer the entrance to the room and then the man also got up--if shakily--and ALSO left the room. Sometime later, they both reappeared and both sat down across the room from me. Yea? Yea! HOWEVER, it was hardly far enough away, since I have an extreme sensitivity to chemical odors, and the smell of cigarette smoke on their clothes was VERY evident, even from there.

Gulp! I pulled my own personal air cleaner, which I wear around my neck, up closer to my nose, and began formulating what little plans I could if I should have to leave the area because of that problem. There's just ONE waiting room, which has to be shared...and these people have no idea how their habits have just affected one very sensitive person.

In the meanwhile, a middle-aged man had come in with a boy of about 6-7 and they occupied the place vacated by the first young man, who had since left. The boy was very well behaved, asking his grandfather (as it developed) if he could have a drink of the chocolate milk he had with him. "Yep" said Grandfather.

Trying not to be drawn into this little scenario, I almost literally sat on my hands, resisting the temptation to offer the boy my pad and pen for him to draw on while he was waiting. He ventured to the children's table in the center of the room--a curious affair which seemed to have some sort of plastic cover over the toys underneath it, but with no evident way to get AT the toys! After a couple of quick inspections underneath the table to try to see if he could solve the puzzle, he gave up and went back to the chair beside his grandfather, then over to climb up on the grandfather's lap. Grandfather, in the meanwhile, didn't seem to have noticed the boy's problem, and had just been sitting there, staring into space.

Well...under other circumstances and had I been feeling somewhat better myself, I might have "pushed my E" as we say (i.e. the "extrovert" part of myself which is only haphazardly developed) and offered either to see what I could do to sort out the puzzle of the table OR to have brought out the pad. BUT, the grandfather's taciturn behavior made me even more shy and, in any case, before I felt I "needed" to do anything more about it, the grandmother and--perhaps--HER mother arrived and took seats nearby and grandmother brought out a toy for the boy AND they began a relatively animated family discussion/engagement.

So much for reading!

Still more people arrived...a middle-aged Hispanic couple and a younger woman, who took seats off in the corner and began a quiet conversation in Spanish. Then, another older man and a young woman who sat on "my" side of the room, the woman distracting herself by vigorously wiggling her leg up and down. She was SO close to where I was and the motion SO visible, that I used my journal to screen it out, pretending to be engrossed in reading.

By this time, I was REALLY uncomfortable---and needing more space---literally! One of the Hispanic women--or perhaps both--had on perfume, another odor which bothers me.

THEN, to cap it off, the woman who had been with the man in the wheelchair, came over to use the phone, on the table in the corner by me, so I was inadvertently privy to some touching conversation she was having regarding what they could have to eat. Someone was supposed to have gotten food stamps, and hadn't done it. "Well"...she said..." Maybe you can have pancakes. Go see if ___ got out and see if you can borrow some eggs from her."

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. And I think I have problems?

Fortunately, at this juncture, my husband appeared in the hall, ready to go home, and we left the scene of this little drama.

I am ashamed of how quickly my own social skills seem to evaporate. I am discouraged at how much EFFORT it took "just" to wait, and to run that little errand for my husband, and yes...to retain perspective on all of this. I have SO much for which I should and must be thankful.

I suppose part of the real discomfort of this morning lay in the lack of control we have in situations like that, but, more than that, in the reminder that we cannot predict what our tomorrows will bring. Sometimes, we just have to keep putting one foot in front of another and just pray that no one has their foot out to trip us up when we're not looking.

Grace and peace to you all--

T.

Thank you, David and Grace...

2006-07-02T15:56:00.000-06:00

David--

My post here yesterday made me feel more than a little vulnerable and uncertain. Your thoughtful response, confirming some of the ideas I had had, meant so much. (Among other things, your comments about possible gerrymandering in the voting process at the convention, as well as maneuvering based on eventual gain in power/property really made sense to me. )

Grace--

Thanks for the welcome and your dear, affirming comments! I've just been reviewing some of your posts on the forum so I have a little better idea of who you are and something of your background. AND...I've now bookmarked your blog as well. I really look forward to reading more about your life and times and getting to "know" you a bit more. You've obviously done a lot of good thinking and good work about your experiences and I look forward to learning from your example as well. Thanks for stopping by! Yes...I think I will come to like this avenue of self-expression--and for some of the reasons you mentioned--but it's still new enough that your encouragement in response to yesterday's post was especially appreciated.

I hope you've both had good day today.

T.

"Be still and know that I am God...."

2006-07-01T08:27:00.000-06:00

(from Psalm 46:10) .... was the text for the meditation of the day on a favorite site...the Presbyterian Church of Canada. The URL for the main page is at
http://daily.presbycan.ca/index1.html The specific URL for this meditation is
http://daily.presbycan.ca/devotions/2006/06-07-01.html

This being a favorite Bible verse (and a "timely" one, given my recent and on-going distress over what is happening in my denomination), I also checked the index for other meditations which have used that text and found quite a number of those.

"Being silent" in the middle of folks who all seem to "know" so much is an interesting kind of concept, if you think about it. "Die Gedanken sind frei"--"thoughts are free" is a bit of German wisdom. It IS our choice as to how we respond to all of the intense rhetoric and glimpses into the non-too-pretty politics within the Church. "God is working his purpose out..." is a line from a favorite hymn and a return to that kind of patience and faith may be what is needed in the moment.

But a literal silence can also mean a kind of cowardice in the middle of conflict and I confess that I am prone to that. Beyond that, as I continue to try to follow some of the "breaking news," I find that I'm quickly into "information overload" and in danger of not really knowing WHAT I "believe" or where I stand. More basically, however, I guess the real fear here is that when "push comes to shove" --as it most evidently has in the church--it doesn't really matter what the little person "thinks" or how (or whether) that opinion is expressed--because it seems that the lines have already been drawn in the sand and the "big guns" are in position to have it out.

And in the middle of that....can we go back to singing "Faith of our fathers, living still, in spite of dungeon, fire and sword"....??? How do we continue to find sources of inspiration and faith when our communities of faith are in uproar? How much ARE we now thrown back on our own resources to try to make sense of things?

The analogy which comes to mind is my husband's story of the terrifying experience he had as a small child when he was shopping with his mother and thought he had hold of her coat, when he suddenly discovered that he was holding the coat of a stranger and had unknowingly wandered far from where he SHOULD be.

In a similar vein, as I read a bit about the new leadership in the church and what it is that "they" say "we" believe, I have a kind of a shock. I have always believed that I was an "orthodox" Episcopalian and now I'm being told...no....to be an Episcopalian means that I must follow the new leadership where it wants to go. OR, on the other hand, if that's not something that I can do in all good conscience, then the equally unpalatable choice is to declare myself more at home with people of another culture and mindset....and THAT doesn't quite fit where I am either.

AS an Episcopalian, I have previously TRUSTED the clergy to be well-educated and well-intentioned toward all of God's people---including (and especially) those outside the confines of our four walls. I've read some articles assuring me that indeed, much WAS accomplished at the Convention beyond what made the news. The church voted to support the goals of the U.N., for example, which seek to eradicate poverty and disease worldwide. Very basically, however, those efforts will now be tainted by two problems, as I see it: 1) Because of the division in the church, people will be less likely to BE there, let alone to be willing to trust the church hierarchy to spend what donations come forth and 2) there will be even more distrust from the intended recipients of all that good-will because of the view that the church which is offering it is not a wholesome representative of Christ's love.

One of the articles I read this morning--linked from the site of a liberal priest of the church (and in condemnation of the article)-- was this:

Church lite
By Cal Thomas
June 23, 2006
http://www.washtimes.com/commentary/20060622-083912-2434r.htm

From the article:

Maybe the question for Bishop Schori and her fellow heretics should be: if homosexual practice is not sin, what is? And how do we know? Or is it a matter of "thus saith the opinion polls" and lobbying groups, rather than "thus saith the Lord"?

==

I'm hardly prepared to weigh in on either side of this debate, but the huge problem I have as an Episcopalian is that the leadership IS now increasingly seen as "heretical" and, if I am to remain as an Episcopalian, that means that my identity is now also compromised. I have, in the past, been content to look to the clergy to sort through these dilemmas. Now, the church is to be led in the U.S. by a Ph.D. in oceanography, with limited experience in the church...and we're to trust her expertise in these difficult matters just because she "thinks" one way or another? I really don't understand how these things came to be! More than that--any reservations I have in the moment can be dismissed as being "bigoted"---and THAT'S not how I feel either!

Kyrie eleison!

Grace and peace to you all this day---

T.

New book of possible interest: "American Gospel"..

2006-06-30T18:15:00.000-06:00

...once again, just noting this here for future reference since the review I heard with the author, Jon Meacham, on PBS just now sounded rather interesting.

As found on Amazon.com, the specifics are:

American Gospel : God, the Founding Fathers, and the Making of a Nation (Hardcover)
by Jon Meacham

Product Details
Hardcover: 416 pages
Publisher: Random House (April 4, 2006)
Language: English
ISBN: 1400065550

In the PBS interview, one of Meacham's main comments was stressing that the Founding Fathers were not so much concerned with "tolerance"---implying that a majority is giving that "right" to others to hold whatever beliefs they chose--but that the emphasis is on the plurality of individual approaches to their lives.

Given what I read yesterday of "postmodern" beliefs with ITS emphasis on this same kind of plurality, I found this a bit amusing. "The more things change, the more they are the same"...is an old French saying!

Thanks once again to Gary and Bruce for "visiting" yesterday. For some reason, I couldn't open the post to add a comment of my own to that thread. I appreciated Gary's link to his comments about the "Emergent" church. As David noted in response the that mini-essay, I too found Gary's thoughts VERY helpful and enlightening.

And Bruce---I enjoyed your story today on your blog about your baby birds and the reminder that God IS watching out for us as well. Sometimes the "winds" are blowing so strong that it's hard to remember that.

Well--enough for this Friday night. As I said yesterday, I have NO idea where I am headed with these various musings here, but it is a nice validation from Bruce that he believes that the journey will be "interesting!"

Blessings to you all--

T.

My lesson of the day: "Postmodernism"....

2006-06-29T19:35:00.000-06:00

OK, OK....so I should know better by now, right? Naw.....I really am curious about finding out about the ideas which have been important to people and today I spent a little time checking on some of Gary's links, since I know he's widely read and deeply committed to healing and spiritual growth.

In any case, just noting this now for "future reference" since I'm really tired tonight, I looked a bit at a very interesting site which Gary had linked which had the unusual purpose of eliciting reader's comments as some very distinguished-sounding people work on a new book. This is

http://anewkindofconversation.com/Project.cfm

A New Kind of Conversation; Blogging Toward a Postmodern Faith

From the beginning of the blog:

"With Brian McLaren, Mabiala Kenzo, Bruce Ellis Benson, Ellen Haroutunian and Myron Penner. This blog-book will discuss what a postmodern evangelical faith looks like. The blog format will make it possible to allow you the reader, to participate in the writing of both the blog and the eventual published book to follow by Paternoster. Be a part of this experiment in conversation by adding your voice to the discussion.

'A New Kind of Conversation' begins on Sept 15th 2005. "

This in turn led me to doing a brief "Google" search on a term which has only vague meaning for me, e.g. "Postmodernism." Though perhaps not the most well-researched of sites, I took the first article given from "Wikipedia" at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postmodernism

It wasn't altogether clear to me whether the "Conversation" site was still active, but it does have some interesting thoughts and comments. I know that this is also related to another concept which is one of Gary's interests as well, i.e. the "Emerging Church" (or "Emergent" Church)--which also seems to be hard to define.

As someone from a "mainline" church with a different approach to how one's life of faith is supported, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that these ARE new terms for me, but it is still rather startling that there is so MUCH that is taken for granted as "common knowledge" if starting from a different tradition, i.e. the "evangelical" branch of Christianity and, of course, the scholarship and work of these authors is also unknown to me.

Tonight, as I struggle a bit to make sense of this and fit things into what I thought I "knew," I find that I'm reacting a bit to the idea that our world is now "post-modern"--insofar as I understand that term. I'm reminded of an old "Peanuts" cartoon in which one of the characters was commenting that the new year was about to begin and Lucy--as I'm remembering this--responds: "How can it be a 'new' year?!?! I'm not finished with the OLD year yet!"

And so it is with our cultural mindset--or where we are as we try to envision a "new" life in the church. I find it really hard to think that we're in this world of constant "relativity," OR, for that matter, that we can presume to fashion some sort of "new" world which takes account of our different views without ALSO recognizing our various histories, either personally or, specifically, as I continue to think about the challenges in my denomination at present, in the "church." Yes, there are differences, SO many differences between us all. But, aren't we also called to look past the differences to try to build on the vision of seeing one another as beloved children of our heavenly Father?

But in "building community" and in trying to meet different needs, of looking toward finding better ways of ministry, it seems that the church is in real danger of either "throwing the baby out with the bathwater" or in worshipping not the Christ of our salvation, but the various churches which have sought to make Christ known. I KNOW how much having a "proper liturgy" has meant to me in how my faith life has been developed and nurtured and that's part of my fear right now that we'll no longer be able to build vibrant communities which USE that liturgy. (Being an Episcopalian means being willing to engage in some on-going "education" in how that liturgy is "performed." Both our prayer book and our hymnal are hardly "user-friendly" and I can well imagine that newcomers to the process must feel rather overwhelmed at all of OUR "assumptions" about what people "should" know when they come for worship.)

Well, this is getting rather longer than I intended as a first "bookmark" of something I'd like to work with some more. I am intrigued by what I am learning, but far from having any idea of where I am going with this. It seems that more than just my curiosity is being awakened at the moment. I'm also being reminded of some work I did as a graduate student in literary criticism "back when"---when "Structuralism" was in vogue and a different "modern" view of the world was the concept of the moment.

So, with these things as my "cliff-hangers" for tonight, I'll stop and "allow" my husband to have a turn at the computer as well.

Hope you've all had an interesting day as well!

More as able.

T.

Living vicariously?....

2006-06-28T18:36:00.000-06:00

...or learning through following other's examples?

Not too surprisingly, I find that I'm still more than a little intimidated by this space and in trying to learn what I feel I should "know" about a project before I begin it---which I don't! Bruce welcomed me to the "blogosphere" and it truly is a fascinating WORLD unto itself. I've just spent a little time today trying to get a feel for how he (and MMM--another person kind enough to stop by at Gary's invitation) have handled this new medium. I'm impressed! --and that perhaps adds to my feeling all the more shy about my own attempts to do this "right." But---I've "known" Gary and Amber for a while now through our engagement in another aspect of cyberspace--the on-line forum and then through beginning to follow their work on their blogs and David, too, has become a friend the same way. So....with your mutual encouragement and indulgence, I guess I'll just start out assuming that I AM in some sense writing to friends, who already "know" me, and who are, in fact, interested in "me"----for whatever reason!

It's a humbling...and rather amazing idea...but I am grateful.

It occurred to me, as I was following little "rabbit trails" on these and other blogs of late, that at least part of my difficulty in writing to an "audience" like this probably stems from my academic training. I want to be able to DOCUMENT the source of some of my ideas....and that is not always easy to do as I find things in various places. More than that, I find that it's not always a fruitful use of time to try to find these sources. Truly, we ARE in a WORLD of ideas, and that world didn't begin with US, so trying to decipher what's what may lead us not to better understanding, but only to a cacophony of voices which seem to have no common element.
Somewhere I read recently of the woman who confessed that she was the kind of person who could easily get lost browsing the shelves in a library while looking for work to substantiate her thesis....and come out without ANYTHING which was really pertinent to the original topic. Having done that as well "in days of yore," I felt an instant "kinship" to her! FOCUS is necessary in this new world, if we're not to get bogged down in too much "research."

So now...."standing in the living present, memory and hope between"...as a line in one of my favorite hymns goes...what can I say about TODAY? Nothing particularly "earth-shattering"--that's for sure! I finally got some dishes washed--having been neglecting that over the past couple of days when my husband was gone--and watered our houseplants--and finished watching the end of the "Starting Over" TV show which I had taped in May when I had other things going on. (Ideas from that experience are a topic unto itself which I will let go for now...though it certainly ties in with the idea of my "living vicariously" while being homebound.)

THEN, my husband arrived home safe and sound from his most recent bicycle tour and we spent some interesting time looking at the digital pictures he took, while he described something of his experience. It was GOOD to have him home again.....duh!!!! As it happened, he also had a meeting tonight of his bicycling club, so right now he's gone again.....and hence, my own little free time of the moment.

Well---I guess I'll sign off with that for now. Perhaps I can yet get back to finding my own "focus" for these musings, but it seems I should probably call this enough for today.

Blessings to you all--

"Theodora"

"You're on! How are you doing?"

2006-06-27T12:35:00.000-06:00

Hi friends!

I was just going to check Gary's blog and go back to "ruminating"/vegetating today, when...surprise, surprise, I found he'd invited you all to the "party" here! (Sneaky little rascal, isn't he?) So...I again need to acknowledge his kindness for setting up the blog for me, as well as this none-to-subtle "push" to write some more and get engaged in the process. Thanks, too, to the friends who've already "visited." I DO appreciate this...especially since I have a little idea of what's going on in your lives as well, so I know you've TAKEN time in the midst of other things to post here. THANK you.

My husband is on the "N.U.M.B." bicycle tour right now....the "Nebraska United Methodist Bike" ride which raises funds for various agencies giving support to the needy. This is his 6th year to do this and there's now a bit of a "family tradition" involved, as he and friends from one of "our" churches have gone together before and have again this year as well. They ride c. 200 miles over 4 days...this one being challenging because it's in the hillier eastern part of Nebraska. Previous tours have started in more western parts of the state and covered somewhat longer,but flater distances. Since my husband is also interested in history (and has taught the extension division of the university course in Nebraska History for some years) --this is also a nice way for him to have a literal feel for something of the state--now our home for more than 30 years! We've kidded each other, saying that we guess it's time that we finally claim that this IS "home" for us now.

In previous years, I've used this time to engage in some "creative endeavors" and sort of kept myself busy, so that I don't dwell too much on the idea of this kind of active fun being something which he can do...and I can't any more. This year---well---I've been feeling more than a little "out of it" and not really feeling too well.

There are "other things" going on in my life as well which have been contributing to a kind of grieving process for me, not the least of which are the concerns that I have for my church, as I've followed the news out of the Episcopal church convention and its aftermath. For a major treatise on the feared complete schism from the Anglican Communion in years to come, see
Archbishop - 'Challenge and hope' for the Anglican Communion
http://www.archbishopofcanterbury.org/releases/060627%20Archbishop%20-%20challenge%20and%20hope.htm

Locally, there are four Episcopal churches, each with a slightly different "flavor"--and I have, in years past, been active in 3 of them! Ironically, the church where my husband and I presently have our membership is one where my husband is now most "comfortable, " having sung in the choir there (or practiced with them when I have been homebound) but where I now feel unwelcome and unsupported. (He had been raised as a Methodist, and this local congregation was very supportive for us during the challenging years when our sons were in their teens---hence the Methodist church connection as well!)

It's a complicated history, which I don't want to work on "out loud" here...at least not right now. But, the current rector--who has only been here for about a year-- seems to be so overloaded that I don't want to "bother him" with trying to work through my dilemmas with him and---well---I guess it sort of seems that I'm once again "up the creek without a paddle." I need ministry; I need "community"----and, certain people at this church have made it very plain that I'm not welcome right now. And, in any case, with inevitable changes upon us because of decisions at the national level, it seems that ALL the congregations are inevitably going to be "tense" for quite some time to come. Church HAD been a "safe haven" for me., the source for what "community" I had, when I was able to be out of the home. Now, I feel that we'll never really know where we need to keep silent nor what people are REALLY thinking about all of this imposed change.

It's so ironic to have friends from the on-line community who "know" me better than the "face-to-face" ones, or, alternatively, that I have somehow been so inept at building friendships locally that I don't have anyone at present with whom I feel I can share this sorrow and fear. Perhaps what this means is that we're all of us called to a different kind of "growth" and work on our own spirituality. Right now, like a little kid crying in the dark, I long for some sort of "grown-up" to assure me that "home" is still there and that people will work past all the anger to develop some new vision of "being in communion" with one another. As I read various accounts of churches already "disassociating" from the ECUSA and appealing for broader "Anglican" oversight, I don't see how we will be able to build trust again in this Church which I have loved.

Well---enough for now. Thanks for reading---if you've gotten this far! This is hardly how I thought I would begin blogging, but it does seem to be what's uppermost on my mind right now, so perhaps it's a good exercise to see my fears expressed and to know that I'm not as "alone" as I might feel that I am right now.

Time to get some belated lunch and maybe push myself to get outside for a little walk. As I've post on the forum before, "more as able."

Thanks again, Gary, for your encouragement and the possibilities of "growth" which this blog may represent for me...and again, thanks to those of you who have already visited.

Blessings to you all--

Theodora

P.S. Has anybody else every used the phrases I used in the subject line? My mother--the original "Theodora" whose name I have borrowed for cyberspace communication--had begun her professional career as a singer/dancer on the stage in N.Y. I seem to remember her using those phrases when plunked in the middle of a "situation" where it seemed that SOME sort of action was called for. For better or worse, having seen Gary's "invitation" to his friends to visit here, it seemed that I needed to offer you something other than my thoughts on why I COULDN'T do this!!! Hope he doesn't have second thoughts about setting up the account.

Having "Writer's Block"!!!

2006-06-24T05:05:00.000-06:00

This is a curious sort of beginning to what "should" be an exciting new adventure in learning! Gary has been so kind to set up the basics of this blog for me and he and David have both been encouraging me to get going with some posts, but the questions are 1) about WHAT and 2) can I really move past my fear of the unknown and not doing things "right" to use a new medium of self-expression?

Actually---several ideas have occurred to me as to how to start, but they're all pulling in different directions, so I'm not sure what to choose at the moment. If I dwell on some of what is being "triggered" in me as I try to do this, I'm not sure I'd ever get back to this. Basically, it seems that a "blogger" is SO vulnerable to what the outside world "thinks" and I'm not sure I like this feeling of being this "exposed." The "little kid" in me is afraid of what the more experienced among us might think/do in response to these "baby steps." Having just spent some time in this past week following various "blogs" responding to the actions of the national convention of the Episcopal church--and seeing the responses--that feeling is particularly strong right now.

If "blogging" is supposed to be a way to have your own voice "heard" in the middle of the silence of your room, that ALSO means that you are willing to somehow "stand up and be counted"---to "engage" others and their thoughts and to RISK their possible "offense" at what you're thinking/doing and then having to deal with their anger....or not. Ah HA! Perhaps I've hit on what I really need to deal with in these beginning steps here....being honest about the inheritance of coming out of a "challenging" family background and being more than a little "co-dependent" about it all. "Hubbub" --- such as I've been following at the Episcopal convention---makes me REALLY anxious.

Things like this put me in a sort of double-bind. On the one hand, I'd like to be "affirmed" in what I'm thinking and feeling (either about my personal life, or, insofar as I'm involved in local congregations, in my church as well)--but to do that, I have to be "well" enough to think that I can handle the risk of being "out there." I'm not sure that this is true, and yet, it's also very hard to be as relatively isolated as I am. (Chronic illness of various descriptions has kept me relatively homebound for the last 20 years, though I've had some better periods in which I've been "involved" in various things...some of these of necessity, as my husband and I parented two sons as best we could.)

Gary has SO much going on right now that I don't really want to impose further on him as being my mentor in all of this, yet I suppose that's part of what is necessary. There's SO much that I don't know about this process---and not all of it is wending my way through the technical "stuff."

It certainly has me thinking, however! Thinking about "what's important" and how I take time/spend time in trying to document that--either for myself or for my family--but, in spite of my protestations to the contrary, it seems that finding a way to do this may be really important for me right now.

WELL---"Rome wasn't built in a day"....and other cliches of the moment!

Thanks again, Gary! Whatever happens from here, you HAVE given me a most generous gift in the way you set up this site, but, more importantly, in your implied validation that what I have to say IS "important"---worth taking time to face a blank page and wonder what to say about my "world" today.

Grace and peace to you! Know that I'll certainly be thinking about you a LOT in the days ahead and keeping you and your family and friends in prayer.

"Theodora"

Brave new world?

2006-06-23T07:50:00.000-06:00

Thanks to my friend Gary, here I am trying out a new possibility in my life---"blogging!"

Wow! We even have type-face changes.